Archive for the ‘Birthday’ Category

Must…write…more…cards………………

April 11, 2009

There seems to be something gnawing on the chicken-bone of my subconscious. Not just gnawing, but dipping it in creamy, blu-cheese dressing and sucking on it.

Wait. We’re still talking about my subconscious, right? 

Of course.

Thank goodness for the wet-nap, or whatever is doing the gnawing would contaminate the rest of my psyche. I like my non-physical parts to be separate. Like a melamine hot-lunch tray. Everything stays within it’s little-walled-area and nobody gets hurt. Unfortunately, or maybe not, there does seem to be some breach in the Dreaming ~ Day Dreaming compartments. Sandbagging might help. Or a thick, mashed-potato partition – the mashed potatoes finally living up to their destiny.

Great writers are great ruminators but great ruminators are not necessarily great writers. I think that’s what I’m talking about. Or was I talking about my days in the cafeteria? Ah, the cafeteria… “Lunch Lady? Would you mind being careful to keep the gravy in its… No? Yes, you’re right. It all ends up in the same place…”  In the toilet. Which is, of course, a metaphor. That’s what happens when you give children mixed-messages. 

So, anyway. I have a growing collection of printer’s cuts and for some reason I feel compelled to give each of them something to say. I realize that the New Yorker’s Caption Contest is eerily similar to what I do. Except I always win. That’s the nice thing about owning the company. That and the hugs I get from complete strangers. Why do strangers hug me? They might be trying to squeeze the life out of me. I’m not sure. They tell me not to resist – I’m always like, “Resist? Resist what? Who am I to stifle this bizarre act of love?” 

Where was I? … Right. A line I wrote for a lonely cut:

Sorry.

PSSST,

are you coming to my funeral?

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May my suffering bring you joy

January 16, 2009

Only my fellow Minnesotans and residents of Chicken, Alaska can truly understand what it means to be cold. I am intrigued by deadly weather. Cold that can freeze a limb solid. Cold that flattens your car tires. Cold that makes your eyeballs feel funny.

I braved the extreme cold today.

Twice.

-21° is COLD.

But a Mexican Omelette was whispering my name with such longing… It was whispering in a French dialect, so that was weird – but other than that it all seemed legit. I put on every bit of clothing I owned and headed outside. The car actually told me to F – Off. I reminded it that we were both in this together and that if it cooperated I would fill it up with Premium Gasoline. Foolish car, choosing gasoline over Mexican Omelette!

When I was safely inside of Hot Plate I laughed… Oh, how I laughed – and saluted the outdoors for being a worthy adversary.

Later that day (that SAME day) I went outside again. I actually ran to the studio. It took 1.5 seconds. Luckily my exposed body part (my bottom) was unharmed. See, I’m a bit of a daredevil and maybe most of you can’t understand what it means to throw caution to the wind. I can’t teach you. It’s either in your blood or not. IF your blood alcohol level is somewhere near 0.20% than you may also be able to throw caution to the wind. But that’s not natural and I don’t recommend it as a “lifestyle.”

Where was I? Oh, yes. I risked my limbs (and bottom) to run to the studio and lay out previously written cards. Three birthday cards. The metal type was awfully cold. I wanted to lick it but I exercised restraint.

In your own urineGet out of my room.

My tiny friends.

Back in the shop

January 12, 2009

The low magenta toner has put a hold on the catalog production. I am really, really upset about it. I’d like to spend more time with the new laser printer. Understanding its quirks, its likes and dislikes. What makes it get out of bed every morning? Does it enjoy being my slave? Don’t worry, Brother HL-4070CDW – this is only temporary. Jen paid the extra $3.99 for shipping and your toner will be here Wednesday. Thank you, Jen. I mean it. 

So I spent the day in the shop. Despite my tears I was able to lay out some previously written cards. I think the anguish really comes through. I am, after all, an artist. My soul is appropriately tortured. Whoa is me.

happy-brithday-you-tool

shhh nobodyll-notice-us

pevenshire wiffynuts

i-said-congratulations

you-make-you-live-good-luck

I’ll tell you what

December 31, 2008

Uh. December is, like, over. I don’t even care. Good riddance you ungrateful pig. You think you’re so great with your Christmas and your Hanukkah and your Britney Spears’ birthday. I’ve had it. I think we all have. Even with all of these Feast Days I managed to squeeze in our long-awaited catalog creation. And don’t think I forgot about my 25-birthday-cards. Self-imposed deadlines are the only way to get anything done. You know what else works? Pretending someone is going to kill you if you don’t get something done. SO, I scrounged up some images and wrote some lines. Yeah, yeah – I’ve not set the type or done layouts or pulled any proofs – mere formalities. And anyway, my shop elves will do it while I’m ringing in the New Year in lovely Brainerd, Minnesota. Here are a few images/lines – they’ll be 15% funnier after I’ve had my way with them. And another thing: they’re not all birthday cards. I’m not some sort of one-trick pony.

Boys playing marbles

You make this, you live.

Good luck.

 

Man with a christmas tree

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Shhhh. Nobody’ll even notice us.

 

Very old man

Eh? What’s that? Whose birthday? Who are you? Get out of my room.
cutting_plie_26906_lg1 
   Happy Birthday, you tool.
Man writing
…and in conclusion – quit calling me a pussy.
Sincerely,
Pevenshire Wiffynuts
_algebra_lg
x=get me the f*ck out of here.
Baby banging spoon
Congratulations.
I said, CONGRATULATIONS!
Boy with hoop
If you’re old enough to remember this game
you are probably sitting in your own urine.


Man with microscope
Thanks for coming to my birthday party, my tiny friends.
••••••••••••
Alright, that’ll do. I’ll post more after the elves work it out. Oh, and if you see a woman running around Brainerd in giant underpants and Sorel Boots it’s not me. Happy New Year!!!

 

 

 

 

“dial B for Birthday”

November 19, 2008

I’ve set a goal for myself. 25 birthday cards by January 1. Patina wants more birthday cards and dammit they are going to get more birthday cards. Why am I sucking up to that cutesy pootsy boutique? Because I LOVE IT. Oh, how I love it… If Patina carried a coffin, I would kill myself just to be buried in it.

Here’s a new card. – Designed on the computer, soon to be a plate, soon to be inked, soon to be part of our illustrious line.

"dial B for Birthday"

 

By the way, I AM counting the Trader Joe’s rejects in my 25. So, 25-8=17. I used a calculator. Seriously.