Archive for the ‘Christmas’ Category

When I get my hands on Santa

November 5, 2009

Nothing says Christmas like sitting on a boozed up strangers lap. Especially if that stranger promises you all sorts of “goodies.”

The 1970’s were a rich time for the Shea family. 5 of 8 kids had already come through the hatch, (what did she say?) Mr. had a job, Mrs. kept house. Santa Clause sat at Dayton’s just waiting to kick off Christmas-Time. I do remember wondering how he could waste precious toy-making time just SITTING THERE on that throne. That wondering turned into anxiety which turned into paralyzing fear.

That might be why I’m not in this picture.

Look at the firm grip he has on Em:

Nat, Em, and Zak are in it.

Andy and I are noticeably absent. There might have been a pants-wetting episode, or a throwing-up episode. Or a poopy-pants episode. Andy was always trying to get attention.

With the help of photoshop, I’ll be revising history. Soon, Nat and his BUSINESS partner, Ken, will be sitting on Santa’s lap… together. Ken needs to scrape up some childhood memory and get it over to me. I will remove Em and Zak (Zak clearly wants to be removed) and replace them with a little Ken. THEN, I will create a 4-color process halftone – OF COURSE it will be 50 lines per inch.

Duh.

It will be the new holiday card for Tanek. The finest architectural firm in the land.

I’ve heard it’s tricky to print a 4-color halftone using the letterpress printing method. But you know what I say to that??

DO YOU?!

I say, “you’re not so tricky!”

Sorry I had to get all hard-core like that.

So, here’s what that image looks like when it’s all pulled apart and put back together as a 4 color separation. Isn’t it delicious?

Will I win the Nobel Peace Prize?

October 15, 2009

Maybe.

Oh, who am I kidding? I can’t broker peace between nations. I’m no Dalai Lama. I’m no Barack Obama. I’m just kidding about that second one  –  I just wanted something to rhyme with Dalai Lama. Wait, what? Barack Obama really did win the Nobel Peace Prize? Oops. My bad.

It’s hard, toiling away, day after day – trying to make this crazy planet just a little bit cheerier. Ghandi knows how I feel. 

Do you know this man?

Alfred"Alfie" Nobel

What would Fran do?

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ANYWAY. I wrote some new cards. Perhaps, one day, they will bring peace to war-torn countries…

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Eh?

PSST, is this my birthday party or my funeral?

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Lovebirds.

Great. My parents just got home.

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Nice package.

I hope she likes thoughts that count.

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Amen.

 

I’ll celebrate Christmas however I damn well please.

I’ll celebrate Christmas however I damn well please.

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No!
            

The Christmas concert would be her chance for revenge.
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I just love you.
I’m Christmas Stalking you.
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On the good china!
The strong would survive the winter.
The weak would, of course, be eaten.
 
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Kids!
The gifts don’t count       themselves.
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34C    
Thank you for your support.
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I’ll tell you what

December 31, 2008

Uh. December is, like, over. I don’t even care. Good riddance you ungrateful pig. You think you’re so great with your Christmas and your Hanukkah and your Britney Spears’ birthday. I’ve had it. I think we all have. Even with all of these Feast Days I managed to squeeze in our long-awaited catalog creation. And don’t think I forgot about my 25-birthday-cards. Self-imposed deadlines are the only way to get anything done. You know what else works? Pretending someone is going to kill you if you don’t get something done. SO, I scrounged up some images and wrote some lines. Yeah, yeah – I’ve not set the type or done layouts or pulled any proofs – mere formalities. And anyway, my shop elves will do it while I’m ringing in the New Year in lovely Brainerd, Minnesota. Here are a few images/lines – they’ll be 15% funnier after I’ve had my way with them. And another thing: they’re not all birthday cards. I’m not some sort of one-trick pony.

Boys playing marbles

You make this, you live.

Good luck.

 

Man with a christmas tree

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Shhhh. Nobody’ll even notice us.

 

Very old man

Eh? What’s that? Whose birthday? Who are you? Get out of my room.
cutting_plie_26906_lg1 
   Happy Birthday, you tool.
Man writing
…and in conclusion – quit calling me a pussy.
Sincerely,
Pevenshire Wiffynuts
_algebra_lg
x=get me the f*ck out of here.
Baby banging spoon
Congratulations.
I said, CONGRATULATIONS!
Boy with hoop
If you’re old enough to remember this game
you are probably sitting in your own urine.


Man with microscope
Thanks for coming to my birthday party, my tiny friends.
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Alright, that’ll do. I’ll post more after the elves work it out. Oh, and if you see a woman running around Brainerd in giant underpants and Sorel Boots it’s not me. Happy New Year!!!

 

 

 

 

SO. MANY. WORDS.

December 3, 2008

 Three 10″x15″ iron chases locked up with Touchpoint Buzzwords. Buzzwords and some other random cuts from the ZP collection – including a chunk from a newspaper insert advertising handy items for the ladies: A rubber-lined shopping bag available in gay plaids, a multi-tiered clothes hanger, a cap to protect the hairdo.

What I wouldn’t give to have those items. My drab, rain-soaked groceries… My closet, crammed full! How could I be hanging my clothes on ONE plane? My hair, My God, my hair… I don’t even know where to start. I get a “do” and leave it completely unprotected. It’s like I don’t even care!

Oh. Back to the Touchpoint Holiday Card/Disc Sleeve. It’ super sweet:

It’s Christless time!

November 12, 2008

Time for more corporate holiday cards! My Big Brother owns Tanek, the coolest (of course) architectural firm in the Midwest. Every year they ask us to bring some of our freshest (dopest) designs to their table. We drop whatever we’re doing (eating) and hop to.  This year I’ve created a couple of things:

taneksnowflakekerned-prop1

subtlehalftone-peppermint

The humor is subtle. Just like me.

I think this one should have been chosen last year:

tanek-paper-dolls

But no. It was voted down. Apparently the Tanek Leaders didn’t want to be seen in their fictional underpants. Prudes.

Taking the Christ out of Christmas since 2008!

September 15, 2008

When we create custom holiday cards for corporations/businesses, we are often asked to “make it not so, you know, Christmassy.” Here’s a new one for our own line – but we’re willing to share. Hey, Target Corporation: Want a few thousand?