Archive for the ‘Drunk’ Category

Tater Tots, Kings Wine Bar, Letterpress, Deer John,

June 13, 2010

Let’s talk about my first apartment kitchen: a room the size of an airplane galley* with the bonus feature of a countertop hinged to the wall. If that countertop was not in the lift and stow position (just like an airplane tray-table) it wasn’t possible to open the refrigerator or the oven.This was great incentive (for my roommate) to do the dishes.

I preferred moving the dirty dishes to the living room.

*I’ve peeked in an airplane galley – it’s usually hidden behind a curtain (that matches the drapes) – the flight attendant works mechanically, loading up that cumbersome cart to roll down the aisle.

The delicacies that came out of that first apartment kitchen included (and were limited to) chicken pot-pies and tater tots. The crisper drawer in my refrigerator contained a large amount of an herb – but that was none of my business. Oh, but the tater tots! Straight from the freezer and onto my cast-iron skillet: washed down with an Old Milwaukee and a Camel Lights cigarette.

Whew! Did I mention I had 18 by the balls?

ALSO, if I had a hankering for ribs OR pizza I only had to walk down the stairs. That’s right, the one and only Ribizza fulfilled that strange combination requirement for Uptown, Minneapolis.

°°

Exactly five minutes West of my house is Kings Wine Bar – a newish (rhymes with Jewish) little neighborhood restaurant. They serve tater tots but with sauces far fancier than ketchup.  I was there last night and there didn’t seem to be any Old Milwaukee or Camel cigarettes on the menu but somehow, after we ate our tater tots, our table was magically covered with candy.

This doesn’t seem to have anything to do with the card I wrote/designed last night. Or does it?

It’s time for Christmas rejects!

December 18, 2009

Gosh, that’s a scary movie!

Those poor misfit toys… the choo-choo with the square wheels, the pistol that shoots jelly, the effeminate jack-in-the-box…  I think the jack-in-the-box and that little dentist-elf would make a cute couple.

Okay, so I keep trying to design something to print on these FIVE THOUSAND BEVERAGE COASTERS that we have lying around. I guess no one cares about preserving the shine and luster of their finished furniture.

I think that’s barbaric.

Maybe they think it sends the wrong message? I don’t. I think it’s perfectly acceptable to booze it up through the 12 days of Christmas. In fact, it is acceptable all year round IF you set your drink on one of our beverage coasters. (Was that some sort of plug?? Yes. Here’s a link: BUT don’t expect to see the whole series of coasters. I don’t even know you.)

Here’s one I designed for Touchpoint Retail. It has the recipe for a candy cane martini right on it. Isn’t that handy??

They decided to go with a card design from the Zeichen Press line but JUST TO BE DIFFICULT (I mean, sui generis.) they had us print it on an oversized SQUARE coaster. But I must admit, it’s pretty darn nice.

Psycho Suzie’s and the Fu Manchu

September 3, 2009

I can’t wait to turn 40.

Jen did it and she got a Fu Manchu AND pickles. It was a very special evening – one she will never remember.

Hypnotized!

See how the Fu Manchu put her under his spell? Isn’t he cunning? Poor Jen, she never had a chance.

Night of 1,000 Bloggers – ON ICE!

March 8, 2009

Keegan’s Pub was crawling with local bloggers last night.

I, too, left my secret headquarters  and mingled with fellow pasty-faced Minnesotans. Aside from the table-raping, the evening was pleasant. Mitch was there – he was, like, the Grand Poobah. Nobody even noticed that I was suited up and ready for a blogathlon. Maybe everyone was jealous of my suede super-suit – BUT STILL.

Anyboots, I have been training all winter for this event – the amount of sitting I have done would make your head spin. Also, the interest I’ve had in other “things” and “people” has had to take a back-seat to my web rambling. Brambling.

The only thing that would have made the night more awesome is if  James Lileks and I could have performed our Ice Revue. One word: Magic.

Here’s a photo of me taken by fellow blogger :

fran-at-keegans

Doesn’t it look like I’m having fun??!! I always have fun when I drink flat Pepsi. Notice my delicate pinky-finger. Also notice the food on my sweater and in my hair. Somebody must have thrown that at me because I don’t even eat anymore. I just drink flat Pepsi.

The Nihilist in Golf Pants was also there… he may or may not remember the event.

I’m just saying.

He was with a fellow that had wonderfully shaped eyebrows and spoke of gopher-holes. I think he was talking about gopher-holes… I was so busy staring at the miracle of a man-in-his-third-trimester that I lost track of the conversation.

May my suffering bring you joy

January 16, 2009

Only my fellow Minnesotans and residents of Chicken, Alaska can truly understand what it means to be cold. I am intrigued by deadly weather. Cold that can freeze a limb solid. Cold that flattens your car tires. Cold that makes your eyeballs feel funny.

I braved the extreme cold today.

Twice.

-21° is COLD.

But a Mexican Omelette was whispering my name with such longing… It was whispering in a French dialect, so that was weird – but other than that it all seemed legit. I put on every bit of clothing I owned and headed outside. The car actually told me to F – Off. I reminded it that we were both in this together and that if it cooperated I would fill it up with Premium Gasoline. Foolish car, choosing gasoline over Mexican Omelette!

When I was safely inside of Hot Plate I laughed… Oh, how I laughed – and saluted the outdoors for being a worthy adversary.

Later that day (that SAME day) I went outside again. I actually ran to the studio. It took 1.5 seconds. Luckily my exposed body part (my bottom) was unharmed. See, I’m a bit of a daredevil and maybe most of you can’t understand what it means to throw caution to the wind. I can’t teach you. It’s either in your blood or not. IF your blood alcohol level is somewhere near 0.20% than you may also be able to throw caution to the wind. But that’s not natural and I don’t recommend it as a “lifestyle.”

Where was I? Oh, yes. I risked my limbs (and bottom) to run to the studio and lay out previously written cards. Three birthday cards. The metal type was awfully cold. I wanted to lick it but I exercised restraint.

In your own urineGet out of my room.

My tiny friends.

I’ll tell you what

December 31, 2008

Uh. December is, like, over. I don’t even care. Good riddance you ungrateful pig. You think you’re so great with your Christmas and your Hanukkah and your Britney Spears’ birthday. I’ve had it. I think we all have. Even with all of these Feast Days I managed to squeeze in our long-awaited catalog creation. And don’t think I forgot about my 25-birthday-cards. Self-imposed deadlines are the only way to get anything done. You know what else works? Pretending someone is going to kill you if you don’t get something done. SO, I scrounged up some images and wrote some lines. Yeah, yeah – I’ve not set the type or done layouts or pulled any proofs – mere formalities. And anyway, my shop elves will do it while I’m ringing in the New Year in lovely Brainerd, Minnesota. Here are a few images/lines – they’ll be 15% funnier after I’ve had my way with them. And another thing: they’re not all birthday cards. I’m not some sort of one-trick pony.

Boys playing marbles

You make this, you live.

Good luck.

 

Man with a christmas tree

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Shhhh. Nobody’ll even notice us.

 

Very old man

Eh? What’s that? Whose birthday? Who are you? Get out of my room.
cutting_plie_26906_lg1 
   Happy Birthday, you tool.
Man writing
…and in conclusion – quit calling me a pussy.
Sincerely,
Pevenshire Wiffynuts
_algebra_lg
x=get me the f*ck out of here.
Baby banging spoon
Congratulations.
I said, CONGRATULATIONS!
Boy with hoop
If you’re old enough to remember this game
you are probably sitting in your own urine.


Man with microscope
Thanks for coming to my birthday party, my tiny friends.
••••••••••••
Alright, that’ll do. I’ll post more after the elves work it out. Oh, and if you see a woman running around Brainerd in giant underpants and Sorel Boots it’s not me. Happy New Year!!!

 

 

 

 

No karaoke at the VFW

October 14, 2008

Last Sunday, the basement of the Uptown VFW became home to the i Like You craft fair. The Uptown VFW seems to be three floors of basement. Wait, that’s every VFW. The water-stained, drop ceiling has soaked in more than 50 years of delicious cigarette smoke. The vinyl, accordion fold wall was straight out of my grandparent’s house. I felt like having a poached egg or a ham salad sandwich. Oh, the VFW… so similar to the church basement. Or maybe a bomb shelter. A bomb shelter with awesome junk in it. I recently spent an evening in a VFW for the karaoke portion of a friend’s birthday party. Again, we were in the basement but I swear we didn’t go downstairs. I knew the night was over when I saw this:

I won’t say whose leg that body was attached to. That’s a silent shame she must carry to her grave. Note the glass of water I kindly placed by her body. But enough about nighttime VFW! Here are some photos I took of the Daytime VFW: (I’m not sure why the leg insists on being a part of my daytime gallery…)