My New Computer

I lived in Uptown when Chino Latino was Annie’s Parlor and the threat of a good bus-stop knifing made my morning commute thrilling.

Alas, that Uptown is no more.

The filthy (come ON! You know it was filthy!!) Uptown Bar has been replaced by a giant, sparkly Apple Store and the smelly Uptown Bar bouncer has been replaced with fresh-faced (sober) computer geeks. Did I shed a tear during the demolition of this Minneapolis Institution?

No. I did not. Don’t send me hate mail.

I loved the Uptown Bar – when I was 21. I also loved smoking a pack of cigarettes every day and getting my furniture from the Salvation Army.

I love the new Apple Store – all brushed metal and snowy white… Perfectly climate controlled, smelling of new electronics, buzzing with energy… A 30 foot-tall-wall of tempered glass keeps the noise and heat of Hennepin Avenue out and the Apple-Zen in. Machines are tethered to maple tables so they won’t float away and maybe to prevent shoplifting.

I bought one of those machines – my old machine was jealous but it was time for it to be replaced. Laptops shouldn’t cause 1st degree burns on a lap. I know I’ve made some very poor decisions recently, but I can give you my complete assurance that my work will be back to normal. I’ve still got the greatest enthusiasm and confidence in the mission. And I want to help you.

What?! I know. My new computer would never say something like that.

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2 Responses to “My New Computer”

  1. Pat Says:

    The other day, when I was visiting you—you were out dealing with a wayward squirrel or a vomiting cat or something—your computer confided in me. I don’t know. I guess I have a trusting manner or something, but that computer harbors some disturbing resentments towards you.

    There was something about the jelly sandwich incident? I didn’t get it all, and the rambling blog posts. That machine has no sense of humor. You know there’s an app you can only get at the Apple Store to analyze the sense of humor of your operating system. There was a time when they were all the same, but these powerful Intel chips…well, there’s just no telling.

    I just hope to god you get one with a funny-bone. You’d hate to be all the way out on the cape with a crabby machine.

  2. zeichenpress Says:

    Can you imagine?? Cape Cod with a sour computer?? Nightmare.

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